What A Difference a Year Makes

It's been a long time since I've written & what a difference a year makes....

I've been off antidepressants completely for nearly 9 months and while I still have "down days", I'm much happier. Long may it last !!

I last wrote exactly 1 month before I met the (now-not-so-new) man in my life. I had no idea he was just around the corner. We've been together for just over 10 months. He is tall, dark, handsome, generous, makes me laugh & loving. Sometimes I want to shout from the rooftops how much he means to me, but today I want to curl up beside him & whisper so only he can hear,

"You mean the world to me, I love you."

I really suck at this blogging thing. It has been a therapeutic way for me to get my thoughts out wherever I am without carrying around a notebook (not a good idea - they get lost or people read them).

I was re-reading my old posts - I sound depressing (no pun intended). SO here I commit to being more positive in my posts, no doubt there will be the odd "down" post, and I will still blog about the questions I have about life, love & the universe. Hopefully there will be a seismic shift in my outlook on life, cos lets face it, it's not all that bad.

Happiness

happiness hap'pi·ness
noun

1. state of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy [ant: unhappiness]
2. emotions experienced when in a state of well-being [ant: sadness]

WordNet® 3.0, © 2006 by Princeton University

So about 2 weeks ago I took the bull by the horns & made a phone call to the staff care counselling service we have available to us through work. I got an appointment within 24 hrs & saw a counsellor later that week. I spent a long time talking & she was able to summarise alot of my feelings & "issues" as boiling down to loss & the grieving associated with it.

She asked me a question "When was the last time you were happy ?"

I had to think & define what happiness is - it depends if you mean a burst of happiness at a particular moment in time, or a more longer-term contented state of mind. I can name several 'moments' at friends' weddings, getting a phone call offering me a job, spending time with my friends & their kids. I have more of an issue with the longer term happy state of mind - I can't remember a time when I was happy for an extended period of time.

Is this normal ? Or are emotions just so 'dead' and my mind so frozen & blocked to the past that I can't remember, or is it just that I choose not to remember......

If it is about being in a state of well-being as the dictionary defintion suggests, it certainly hasn't been in the last 5 years, which as I reflect is a long time to be 'sad'. I'm certainly not 'sad'. I just feel nothing. I could blame it on the meds, but I know that coming off them would not be wise as they make the lows less low, but I long to feel something other than numb.

Questioning The Prophetic

I’m struggling – struggling with my employment, my vocation, my friends, my faith, my life, depression. It seems like all my posts start out with me struggling. I don’t know if that is a good thing or not. It is here I try to work out the strings of thoughts running through my head.

I came across a few tapes of prophetic words that people have had for me over the last decade or so. To be honest I haven’t listened to them in a couple of years. I can remember what some of them say, and here is where my struggle today lies.

A number of years ago when I worked for CLB, there were several very specific “words” for me (& for the church??) about where my ministry should be – in the community. They were specific about setting up & running a community based project that would be run by the church. These were “words” spoken about what was to be – God had spoken.

I took a sabbatical over the summer & spent time praying & seeking God about my ‘new ministry’. Others who knew nothing about CLB or my role there confirmed what God appeared to be saying to me & others in leadership so I remain somewhat convinced that it was something of a God thing.

I was in a position where I had to give up (it’s interesting that I use that phrase I think) my involvement in the church youth work that I began. The year that followed was one of grieving for what had been. Over the next months I lost friendships, and looking back I was probably somewhat manipulated into the role I took on. I stayed very much in the background of the community work (although at the time I was happy to do so – I was too insecure to be anywhere else). About six months in I gave up the struggle & went to speak to my Doctor & started anti-depressant medication. It took about 6 months to get right – the first lot made me suicidal. About 18 months later, I got a job with a charity working in the community. Working at CLB & not being involved with my ‘baby’ was just too hard. About 2 years after that I left the church as a result of some other stuff that was happening.

And so I find myself questioning what becomes of the prophetic? Did we hear God wrong? Do I walk outside of His will because I’m not seeking to move forward with this community based project, because I’m not attending CLB? Is this why God is remote & my faith is all but absent? Is this why every day is a struggle?

If I try & explain this to my non-Christian friends they look at me like I’m nuts. I can’t find a Christian friend that can give me an answer. I guess that is another post!

Uncomfortably Numb

I've been off line for a few months now - I have good intentions to blog & keep thinking 'O I should really blog about this......' but I never quite get round to it.

I've been on antidepressants for 6 months today - happy half-birthday to me ! Over recent weeks - maybe more than a month I've noticed how numb I've become.

I really do feel nothing - I've just bought & moved into my new house - I should be ecstatic, but I'm not - I am enjoying my own space, but I should be turning cartwheels at having my independence & space & I'm not. I feel nothing. I got hurt in work recently - I should be angry, or at the very least upset that it happened and feel something towards the individual involved, but I don't - I feel nothing.

I used to be passionate about working with youth - I remember once upon a time saying I would die for them. I've gone into bat for them in meetings all guns blazing & fought the bit out until others came round to my way of thinking. I don't do that any more. It's like some days I just go through the motions & exist. I feel nothing.

Maybe it's just that I'm tired of life..... I've lost my passion. I don't feel anymore. I'm numb.

I'm numb & I don't know what to do to start to feel again - I don't know if I should go & talk to my Dr & try & reduce the dose of meds, or up them.......

I'm tired & I'm numb, but mostly tired of being numb.

Isn't it Funny How Things Turn Out

I was out with a friend for coffee this week & we were catching up on each other's lives. I was telling her about the house that I have just agreed to buy & we were dreaming about decorating it & what I could fill it with.

I looked up & saw a once close friend from CLB. An awkward moment passed - it is about a year since we have spoke. We exchanged pleasantries & asked about each others families. I shared my news about the house I was buying & mentioned it was a few streets away from him & his family. His response was "Why do you want to move near us?" It sounded like he was offended that I would even consider moving to the area.

That brought me up short. I muttered something about being closer to work. He left.

That conversation certainly put a dampener on my happiness at finding a place of my own.

I was reflecting later that evening - a year ago I would have said I was closer to these guys than most of my own family - these were a couple I could have relied on in a crisis. I would have given anything to live near them..... and now we don't talk.

How things change.

Alone in a Crowd

Have you ever been out with a group of friends & still felt so utterly isolated & alone ?

I was out with a good group of friends celebrating a birthday on Saturday night. As everyone was laughing & chatting, it struck me how utterly alone I felt. It was like sitting with a group of strangers. All I wanted to do was climb into bed & burst into tears.

Its easy & yet difficult to sit quietly and listen to other conversations going on around me, yet I know this is not the real me.

I long for the day when I feel more up to being social & interacting with people properly again.

I've been on the medication for about 10 days now - I know it can take up to a month before I feel any change, I guess I'm just impatient. The side effects have been crazy - palpitations, breathlessness, restless legs, and unbelievably tired ALL the time. Here is to hoping they calm down soon.