Girl Uninterrupted

What A Difference a Year Makes

2010-05-24T12:28:00.002+01:00

It's been a long time since I've written & what a difference a year makes....

I've been off antidepressants completely for nearly 9 months and while I still have "down days", I'm much happier. Long may it last !!

I last wrote exactly 1 month before I met the (now-not-so-new) man in my life. I had no idea he was just around the corner. We've been together for just over 10 months. He is tall, dark, handsome, generous, makes me laugh & loving. Sometimes I want to shout from the rooftops how much he means to me, but today I want to curl up beside him & whisper so only he can hear,

"You mean the world to me, I love you."

2009-06-10T23:01:00.002+01:00

I really suck at this blogging thing. It has been a therapeutic way for me to get my thoughts out wherever I am without carrying around a notebook (not a good idea - they get lost or people read them).

I was re-reading my old posts - I sound depressing (no pun intended). SO here I commit to being more positive in my posts, no doubt there will be the odd "down" post, and I will still blog about the questions I have about life, love & the universe. Hopefully there will be a seismic shift in my outlook on life, cos lets face it, it's not all that bad.

Happiness

2008-09-28T23:42:00.004+01:00

happiness hap'pi·ness
noun

1. state of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy [ant: unhappiness]
2. emotions experienced when in a state of well-being [ant: sadness]

So about 2 weeks ago I took the bull by the horns & made a phone call to the staff care counselling service we have available to us through work. I got an appointment within 24 hrs & saw a counsellor later that week. I spent a long time talking & she was able to summarise alot of my feelings & "issues" as boiling down to loss & the grieving associated with it.

She asked me a question "When was the last time you were happy ?"

I had to think & define what happiness is - it depends if you mean a burst of happiness at a particular moment in time, or a more longer-term contented state of mind. I can name several 'moments' at friends' weddings, getting a phone call offering me a job, spending time with my friends & their kids. I have more of an issue with the longer term happy state of mind - I can't remember a time when I was happy for an extended period of time.

Is this normal ? Or are emotions just so 'dead' and my mind so frozen & blocked to the past that I can't remember, or is it just that I choose not to remember......

If it is about being in a state of well-being as the dictionary defintion suggests, it certainly hasn't been in the last 5 years, which as I reflect is a long time to be 'sad'. I'm certainly not 'sad'. I just feel nothing. I could blame it on the meds, but I know that coming off them would not be wise as they make the lows less low, but I long to feel something other than numb.

Questioning The Prophetic

2008-09-15T22:44:00.000+01:00

I’m struggling – struggling with my employment, my vocation, my friends, my faith, my life, depression. It seems like all my posts start out with me struggling. I don’t know if that is a good thing or not. It is here I try to work out the strings of thoughts running through my head.

I came across a few tapes of prophetic words that people have had for me over the last decade or so. To be honest I haven’t listened to them in a couple of years. I can remember what some of them say, and here is where my struggle today lies.

A number of years ago when I worked for CLB, there were several very specific “words” for me (& for the church??) about where my ministry should be – in the community. They were specific about setting up & running a community based project that would be run by the church. These were “words” spoken about what was to be – God had spoken.

I took a sabbatical over the summer & spent time praying & seeking God about my ‘new ministry’. Others who knew nothing about CLB or my role there confirmed what God appeared to be saying to me & others in leadership so I remain somewhat convinced that it was something of a God thing.

I was in a position where I had to give up (it’s interesting that I use that phrase I think) my involvement in the church youth work that I began. The year that followed was one of grieving for what had been. Over the next months I lost friendships, and looking back I was probably somewhat manipulated into the role I took on. I stayed very much in the background of the community work (although at the time I was happy to do so – I was too insecure to be anywhere else). About six months in I gave up the struggle & went to speak to my Doctor & started anti-depressant medication. It took about 6 months to get right – the first lot made me suicidal. About 18 months later, I got a job with a charity working in the community. Working at CLB & not being involved with my ‘baby’ was just too hard. About 2 years after that I left the church as a result of some other stuff that was happening.

And so I find myself questioning what becomes of the prophetic? Did we hear God wrong? Do I walk outside of His will because I’m not seeking to move forward with this community based project, because I’m not attending CLB? Is this why God is remote & my faith is all but absent? Is this why every day is a struggle?

If I try & explain this to my non-Christian friends they look at me like I’m nuts. I can’t find a Christian friend that can give me an answer. I guess that is another post!

Uncomfortably Numb

2008-08-24T23:00:00.004+01:00

I've been off line for a few months now - I have good intentions to blog & keep thinking 'O I should really blog about this......' but I never quite get round to it.

I've been on antidepressants for 6 months today - happy half-birthday to me ! Over recent weeks - maybe more than a month I've noticed how numb I've become.

I really do feel nothing - I've just bought & moved into my new house - I should be ecstatic, but I'm not - I am enjoying my own space, but I should be turning cartwheels at having my independence & space & I'm not. I feel nothing. I got hurt in work recently - I should be angry, or at the very least upset that it happened and feel something towards the individual involved, but I don't - I feel nothing.

I used to be passionate about working with youth - I remember once upon a time saying I would die for them. I've gone into bat for them in meetings all guns blazing & fought the bit out until others came round to my way of thinking. I don't do that any more. It's like some days I just go through the motions & exist. I feel nothing.

Maybe it's just that I'm tired of life..... I've lost my passion. I don't feel anymore. I'm numb.

I'm numb & I don't know what to do to start to feel again - I don't know if I should go & talk to my Dr & try & reduce the dose of meds, or up them.......

I'm tired & I'm numb, but mostly tired of being numb.

Isn't it Funny How Things Turn Out

2008-03-08T10:40:00.004Z

I was out with a friend for coffee this week & we were catching up on each other's lives. I was telling her about the house that I have just agreed to buy & we were dreaming about decorating it & what I could fill it with.

I looked up & saw a once close friend from CLB. An awkward moment passed - it is about a year since we have spoke. We exchanged pleasantries & asked about each others families. I shared my news about the house I was buying & mentioned it was a few streets away from him & his family. His response was "Why do you want to move near us?" It sounded like he was offended that I would even consider moving to the area.

That brought me up short. I muttered something about being closer to work. He left.

That conversation certainly put a dampener on my happiness at finding a place of my own.

I was reflecting later that evening - a year ago I would have said I was closer to these guys than most of my own family - these were a couple I could have relied on in a crisis. I would have given anything to live near them..... and now we don't talk.

How things change.

Alone in a Crowd

2008-02-04T10:57:00.000Z

Have you ever been out with a group of friends & still felt so utterly isolated & alone ?

I was out with a good group of friends celebrating a birthday on Saturday night. As everyone was laughing & chatting, it struck me how utterly alone I felt. It was like sitting with a group of strangers. All I wanted to do was climb into bed & burst into tears.

Its easy & yet difficult to sit quietly and listen to other conversations going on around me, yet I know this is not the real me.

I long for the day when I feel more up to being social & interacting with people properly again.

I've been on the medication for about 10 days now - I know it can take up to a month before I feel any change, I guess I'm just impatient. The side effects have been crazy - palpitations, breathlessness, restless legs, and unbelievably tired ALL the time. Here is to hoping they calm down soon.

Anti Depressants

2008-01-25T19:42:00.000Z

The Depression of Jesus

Found this pic over on Naked Pastor. It made me half smile. I haven't given in, but I have taken a step and gone to the Dr and got a prescripton for anti-depressants. Maybe some day soon I'll be better able to work through the stuff that is going on in my head.

Spiritual Carts

2008-01-24T15:14:00.000Z

Hmmm so I was uninspired yesterday. Not sure that I'm doing much better today. Am just back from a short break to sunny climates with some friends. I was hoping that a few days in the sun would restore my vitamin D levels and even out the mood swings.

"I wish".

I don't know that I would go so far as to say being away was a bad thing for me - it restored the colour to my skin and was a break in the winter routine of "go to work in the dark, come home in the dark....." but it gave me too much time to think.

I meet with a few dear friends every month or so & we catch up & support each other. One of the girls uses the phrase "spiritual cart". I can describe mine exactly - it's a kids pull cart (kinda like the one in the pic on the left) and its deep blue.

For a while it's been parked somewhere in the garden and the grass has grown kinda long around the wheels - you could say it's been looking a bit disused, a bit like a toy a child has ignored for a while.

About a year ago, I left the church (will now be referred to as CLB (church left behind)) that I was a member of for the last 16 years. The reasons don't really matter here. I was very involved in CLB - I worked there for a while, volunteered many hours for many different projects. It made up for a large part of my life.

The past year has been one of grieving - for lost friendships, broken relationships and a divided family.

Since leaving, my social life has been quiet - I have lost friendships; and places & people I would have spent alot of time with aren't around any more. I have tried to find a home in a number of other churches, and have found a place I could see myself spending time in, but I find myself torn apart.

For a while I have struggled with faith issues and would have described my cart as having a wobbly wheel. While I was away, I had a lot of time to think and I'm being torn apart. I'm not sure I can describe this very well, but I'll give it a go.

Like I say I am struggling with faith/ belief/ church (it has several labels). I probably have been since moving on from CLB if I am honest. I took some time to find a new church and found one where people are lovely & friendly & welcoming & have no expectations of me to get involved in anything.

When I was away & listening to my friends talk (2 of them are Christians) about their beliefs and talking about God work in their lives, it struck me that I don't have any faith left. It has been months since I picked up my Bible, my prayers bounce off the ceiling, and God is not here.

I find myself torn apart because I am trying to go to church, get involved, worship etc and it all feels like a farce. I don't know 'what', or even 'if' I believe any more. It doesn't seem worth trying. I don't want to give up on faith, but I don't want to be fake.

I am tired. My spiritual cart has no wheels. I am ready to give up on the faith thing, but then I have nothing left. If I walk away what do I become ?

Formatting

2008-01-24T15:08:00.000Z

Dunno what the heck has happened to my formatting - all my nice paragraphs have merged into one long rant. Will hopefully sort it out cos my next post is lonnnnnnggggg.

Decidedly Uninspired

2008-01-23T04:06:00.000Z

Life is feeling tougher. I was all inspired to write about the conclusions I have come to about myself and my thoughts and where I'm at - a kind of therapy - to get it out of my system. Then I turned on the computer. It's gone again. Maybe later.

Struggling

2008-01-09T01:49:00.000Z

I'm struggling to keep my head above water.

There, I've finally said it. I've been kicking it round in my head for at least a month now trying to validate the statement... trying to ignore... it hoping it will go away (it hasn't).

I've been struggling with increasing mood swings, sleeping all the time, have given up on the gym, not wanting to do anything (I haven't read a book in weeks - a big thing for me), or see anyone (I find myself making excuses to not see good friends) etc etc - all symptoms of depression. At the same time I've been trying to convince myself that it's not depression. Hear me clearly - it's not that there is anything wrong with being depressed or labelling myself as such - I've been there before. It's just that there has been no trigger that I can identify that has set me on this path again. Well, I can identify some potential triggers, but they are situations/ incidents that happened a year ago and although they caused hurt something in my psyche tells me that it's an excuse to 'use' these - so I struggle on.

I guess I feel like I'm cheating if I go to the Dr and talk to her about going down the medication route (again). And yet I know the difference that being on medication was several years ago.

I also struggle 'cos a couple of friends have recently told me that they have gone back to their Drs to get anti-depressants. I don't want to be seen to jump on the bandwagon (cos the irrational part of my brain tells me I'm doing that) or have them or anyone else think that - not that I'd be telling many people.

I've tried to talk to 2 or 3 friends who know I've struggled with depression in the past, but so far that hasn't worked. I've tried to do coffee to get their input & thoughts, but (and this is where I think it's the depression talking....) they haven't replied to text messages, or it just hasn't worked out. And so I feel more isolated, alone, unloved (see previous post).

And so the spiral down continues & I struggle on for another day. And its time for work - the one thing that provides routine & I can forget about my life & focus on something outside of myself.

2008-01-04T12:01:00.000Z

Hmmm..... this cartoon caught my eye recently over at ASBO Jesus

It pretty much sums up how I've been feeling lately. My mood has been pretty low & I've struggled with the thought/ feeling of 'being loved'. I "know" somewhere deep down that I am loved & that God loves me, but it doesn't make it into my day to day thoughts or feelings. Most of the time I feel unloved & very isolated & alone.

It sucks.

Hello

2008-01-03T14:52:00.000Z

So this is a new blog for me. I have another public one that friends & family know about. This will be one that people may stumble across (I won't be advertising it).

It will be a place where I can be honest about my journey through life - my questions, my struggles. My successes and my failings.

Journey with me a while if you wish. Share with me your wisdom - I have no answers, but would love to learn from you.